JOKES TO GO
submitted by 'Our Gang'
Lady Blue, South Parky, Al Hill, Mary P,
Fay, Mort Snort, Lilly, Tony49er
, L H Snookum
SANTA'S MEMO FOR CHRISTMAS
I Regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the current, overwhelming population of Earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.
As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace
. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen . . " when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you are also likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus's sleigh has a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off." The last I heard, the sleigh also had other decorations on back as well. One is the Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV"
featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, like "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year, songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will include Mark Chestnut's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," and "Grandma Got Run'd Over By a Reindeer."
Member of North American Faries and Elves Local 209)
Charlotte McGriffin's husband had passed on. Horribly distraught, she sought out a spiritualist, who told her that her husband was fine and that he was eagerly awaiting a reunion with her.
"Is there anything he needs or wants?" Charlotte asked excitedly.
The spiritualist's eyes glazed over again. Finally she replied, "He says he'd like a pack of cigarettes."
Charlotte laughed happily. "That sounds like my Ed! But did he say where he was?" she asked.
"No," the spiritualist told her, "but he didn't ask for matches."
A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin. Somebody asked her how that could be possible.
"Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage."
"The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day."
"The third time I married a MSN programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be."
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home." And your reply, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie f---ing Nelson."
5. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
6. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
7. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales
ARMED AND DANGEROUS
A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands, and the fire crawled up her arm.
Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked and took off running down the street.
A police car was at the intersection where it happened, and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her in the leg. This took everyone by surprise.
The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance. When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."
A PROUD TEXAS FATHER
A Texan buys a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because his wife has just produced a "typical Texas" baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Congratulations showered him from all around, and
many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard.
faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say,
you're the father of the typical Texas baby that
weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and asks, "Why? What
happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth."
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve,
leans close to the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised"
DIARY OF A VIAGRA HOUSE WIFE:
Day 1. Just celebrated our 25th anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2. Today, he told me he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent and wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, give me a break! He's been dysfunctional for so long, he even walks with a limp!
Day 3. This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs, you know! Sometimes I need something too! Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and bust into tears!
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his "problem." It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He asked me if this time I would say his name at the "glorious moment."
Day 5. Oh, what a glorious morning! The sun is shining, the birds are singing. My needs have been fulfilled. Everything is perfect.
Day 6. Again!
Day 7. This Viagra thing is going to his head (no pun intended). Yesterday, at Burger King, the kid behind the counter asked him if he wanted a whopper. He told him, "No, thanks. I've already got one."
Day 8. I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new "friend" as a weed wacker.
Day 9. Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much, and to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working anymore. What am I going to do?
Day 10. I'm basically getting drilled to death. It's like going out with Black and Decker!
Day 11. I wish he was gay. I've bought him 20 Liza Minelli and Barbra Streisand albums and the Sweatin' to the Oldies tape and he keeps coming after me.
Day 12. Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile!
Day 13. I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing works. I even started dressing like a nun. He says penguins turn him on.
Day 14. I can't take it anymore! I think I'm going to have to kill him. I just worry about one thing. How will they ever get the lid closed on his casket?
Tom and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Tom suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom & stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Tom out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now
considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news he said, Mary, I have good news & bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses.
The bad news is, Tom, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead.;
Mary replied He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.;
1. Birds of a feather flock together.....and crap on
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.... For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.... It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
6. A penny saved is... a government oversight.
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, ...but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,...
because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody, ...you haven't met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, ...you have someone to blame it on.
13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
14. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school.
So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there. One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" Sure," said the janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play."
When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water on you."
"We're not Bablist because they dunk all of you in it."
"We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
"Yes, What do you think that means?"
"That means we're Pisscopalians."
A MAN IN WOMANS SHOES-
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through each day, so he prayed "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies". God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home .....
He picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.
He drove to the electricity company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was already 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home which he had to sort out in a gentle 'motherly' fashion. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organised to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and was able to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing. By then it was 4:30 pm, so he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for salads. He prepared the chops and fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time for an early dinner.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and although his chores weren't finished for the day, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaining.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, O please, let us trade back!"
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last night!!!
L H Snookum
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
"Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Now that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6."
Now this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 16-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
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